How can we respond compassionately when someone talks to us in an alienating way?
After we learn compassionate communication and start using it, we may be tempted to start “educating” people who talk in an alienating way, and tell them that the way they talk is not “the right way”, and further explain to them how they “should” talk. When everyone is calm, it may indeed be a good idea to suggest to learn compassionate communication together. But it is counterproductive to do so when the other person is currently experiencing emotional pain and is talking out of this pain. In such a situation, our attempts to “educate” them will alienate them and sabotage our interest to get closer to them. Empathy is a necessary prerequisite before we can even start going into attempting to improve how the other person speaks.
We need to remember that any scream, any use of an alienating language, is a tragic expression of a painful emotion and of an unmet need. It is tragic in the sense that it reduces the chances that the person would get empathy, understanding, and acceptance of his request. Even if he gets what he asks for, it might be due to a harmful reason, such as appeasement, guilt, shame, or fear of punishment, which leads to a costly price that everyone is going to pay. It is even more tragic if we also interpret what she says as criticism, accusation, demand, or manipulation, and reciprocate using alienating language, because that would lead to conflict or war, to rebellion or surrender, and to everyone losing.
When we turn on our “compassionate ears”, we can understand that the real message behind the alienating language is: “I am in pain, because my needs are not met”. It is best if we focus on that and not on the alienating language that was used. So this means expressing interest in what is going on inside the other person: “Are you feeling now [emotion] because your need for [guess a need] is not being met?” Remember not to include yourself in this statement as in “are you sad because of what I said?” or “do you have a need for certainty that I will always be here for you?”
Even if we guess incorrectly the other person’s emotions and needs, we still create the opportunity for both of us to find out what are her emotions and needs and express them. Our question also demonstrates that we care, and we express empathy. When the other person feels certain that we care about him, we can resolve together any problem. But as long as she thinks that we only want to win against her, she will want to fight or surrender, which are both tragic consequences.
When each side is able to listen to the emotions and needs of the other person, and repeat and reflect them in a way that the other person realizes he is being understood correctly, then we can reach a point where we can find together a strategy that would satisfy everyone’s needs. It is no longer necessary to resort to compromises, surrender, or concession.
Important emphasis
By using compassionate communication, we can hear the true layers under the surface criticism and judgment. Therefore, we do not need to fear what the other person is going to say, because we can attune to their emotions, needs, and requests. Since we no longer have fear from criticism or judgment, we can express ourselves more authentically.
Sometimes people who are in emotional pain will be suspicious of our use of compassionate communication. This is because they are used to live in a world full of coercion, and they might interpret our communication as a new kind of manipulation, especially if there is a history of alienating language between us. They may pass criticism on our new style of communication, such as “it sounds like you are reciting sentences from a book” or “you speak too slowly”. In reply, we can try to clarify our intentions, and gradually build trust. In some cases, we may need to express our thoughts in a compassionate manner only inside of our own head and not verbally, as the other person may not be ready yet to hear our thoughts, yet we can still focus on the other person’s heart, emotions, and needs. This will change the nature of the interaction to a closer connection.
Sometimes, when people talk to us in an alienating manner, including criticism, accusations, and ridicule, we may run out of patience, because we also want to express our own emotions and needs, such as our need for connection, or feeling emotional pain. But patience may be required instead of jumping too quickly to expressing what’s inside of us. The other person may not be ready yet for that, and needs more empathy. If they have a big emotional pain, they first need a lot of empathy, to feel that they are being seen and understood, before they are able to listen to our own emotions and needs.
So in the meantime, even if we feel emotional pain, we can take personal responsibility for that, and follow one or more of these suggestions:
- Give ourselves internal empathy.
- Stop the conversation and wait until everyone calms down, before resuming our conversation.
- Realizing we are still not very skilled in compassionate communication, so we can request the help of a neutral third party (such as a friend or a therapist) who will give empathy and understanding to both sides, and help use resolve the conflict.
An example for compassionate listening can be found in minutes 1:53:28 to 1:58:18 in this video.