The Alienating Approach

Each of us has many voices inside. One of them is a compassionate voice that acts from the heart, seeking connection and to meet everyone’s needs. Another voice is one that alienates us from others and harms our communication. This is the judgmental, coercive, manipulative, violent voice.

This alienating voice is tragic in the sense that it reduces the chances that our needs and the needs of others will be met, and it leads to verbal and possibly even physical violence. So it is important to understand and identify its characteristics, so that we can refrain from identifying with it, and so that we can use compassionate communication instead.

(Moralistic) Judgments

Here are examples of statements of negative judgments that the alienating voice may say:

“What you did now is very bad.”
“You are irresponsible.”
“Idiot!”
“You are wrong and I am right.”
“He is saying insulting things.”
“He is talking too much.” (As if there is a “right amount” of talking, and you know what it is.)
“You never do it like it is supposed to be done.”

These judgments can be about others, but our mind can also pass such judgments about ourselves – the inner critic or “educator”.

Such judgments lead to problems and violence, because if we think that the other person is wrong, then:

We may think we need to educate her to change her ways. The problem is: she does not think she is wrong. So our judgment leads her to resistance, to fighting, to wars.
We may think we need to punish him, because he deserves to suffer for what he’s done. We think he needs to be “taught a lesson”. This leads to violence.
We may think we need to make her feel ashamed and guilty. But this may lead her to see herself as a “bad” person, so she will continue doing things that a “bad” person does.
We may think there are some things that people “deserve”. Either they “deserve” to get a reward or they “deserve” to get a punishment. This is the violent way of educating people.
If the other person also thinks and acts out of the judgmental voice, then he has only two choices: either surrender and act under coercion, or rebel and fight the coercion. In both options, both sides lose and pay a heavy price.

Diagnosing the Other Person

Here are examples where the alienating voice expresses a “diagnosis” of the other person’s emotions and motives, as if it really knows what they are.

“He refuses to do what I ask of him.” This is a diagnosis. This statement does not describe the other person’s behavior using neutral language that allows us to understand what he actually does. Compare with: “He says he does not want to do it” – this is a neutral observation.
“She blames me.” Again, this is a diagnosis and does not describe what factually happens. The “blamer” may not think she is blaming but rather that she is educating us or pointing our attention to the facts.
“He always wants to be the center of attention.”
“She is angry.”
“You are not listening to me.”
“You don’t care about me, because if you really loved me, you would willingly do what I ask of you.”
“Your apology is not really sincere.”

Renouncing Personal Responsibility

Giving excuses that claim we do not have free choice. For example:

“I had to do it”
“I did not have a choice”
“I was just following orders”
“It is company policy”
“Now look what you made me do!”.

This way of thinking is in contradiction with taking personal responsibility for our choices and actions.

Another form of renouncing responsibility is not owning our emotions, and blaming other people for creating our emotions.

E.g.: “It hurts me when you do that”.

While the other person’s behavior may have been a trigger for our painful emotions, our emotions emanate from within ourselves, from our needs which are not being met, or from harmful interpretations generated by our mind, and not directly caused by the other person.

Telling other people that they are causing me painful emotions is a form of psychological manipulation. It may lead them to feel shame and guilt, and to believe that they must do what I want of them.

Coercion

Examples:

“I am supposed to behave in this way”
“I must prepare dinner”
“You have to listen to me”
“You have a duty to serve your country”
Threats, such as: “You do as I tell you, or else you’ll get punished!”

A common source of confusion is to believe that some authority knows best what is right and what is wrong for you, or that you have an obligation to obey authority without questioning it.

E.g. Party discipline – you must vote according to how your party’s head says, and not according to your own understanding and conscience.

All these are psychological manipulations, trying to cause people to do things that go against their own needs and desires, using reproaching, blaming, ridiculing, threatening, and other ways. Read more about respecting personal sovereignty.

Agreeing Out of Harmful Motives

Agreeing to someone’s request even though it goes against our own wishes, needs, or values because of harmful motives such as:

Placation – to be perceived as “nice and considerate”
To get a reward
To be loved by others
Fear of punishment, such as criticism or violence
Fear of emotional drama by the other person in case we refuse their request
Shame or guilt for not doing what we’re told, or if we express our authentic wish
Duty and commitment, rather than an authentic desire and choice
Self criticism from our “inner critic”. E.g. “I am egotistic if I do not agree to her request.”

Thinking that the World Is Supposed to Be Like We Want it to Be