When we have done something we wish we had not done, the way we relate to it can either deepen our connection with the other person and with ourselves, or it can pull us into self-blame and the alienating approach. Compassionate communication offers a way to acknowledge that we missed the mark without falling into self-judgment.
- The problem with the usual “I’m sorry”
- Mourning instead of apologizing
- Sweet pain, not punitive pain
- Checking with the other person
The problem with the usual “I’m sorry”
In the alienating approach, an apology typically comes from the idea that “I did something wrong” or “I am a bad person”. From a young age, we are taught to say “I’m sorry” when we have behaved in a way that someone else did not like, even when we do not really feel sorry. A familiar scene illustrates this: a parent says to a child “say you’re sorry”, the child mumbles “I’m sorry”, the parent replies “you’re not really sorry”, and the cycle continues until the child performs the phrase in a way that is convincing enough in the parent’s opinion.
There are several problems with this kind of apology:
- It is based on self-blame, on the assumption that there is such a thing as a “bad person”. This kind of thinking is rooted in the language of judgment, in which the corrective process is penitence – making us hate ourselves for what we did.
- Any change that follows from this self-hatred comes at a great cost, because it is motivated by guilt and shame rather than by genuine care.
- The phrase “I’m sorry” itself often means very little. People can say it without feeling anything, sometimes simply to “buy” forgiveness or to end an uncomfortable situation.
The deeper issue is not the words “I’m sorry” but the thinking behind them. As long as the thinking is “I did something wrong, it was bad”, the apology that follows will carry that same harmful energy.
Mourning instead of apologizing
Compassionate communication suggests a different way of relating to an action we wish we had not taken. Instead of apologizing from a place of self-blame, we mourn the fact that what we did was not in harmony with our own needs.
There is no such thing as having done something “wrong”. What we did was simply not in harmony with our needs and values, and we can mourn that without hating ourselves for it.
Listening to the inner critic
When we behave in a way we are not happy with, an inner voice often arises that says things like “I’m a bad person”, “That was inconsiderate of me”, or “I should not have done that”. This inner voice is our inner critic, or what could be called our inner “educator”.
Our inner critic actually means well: it is trying to bring our attention to a need of ours that was not met by our behavior. The problem is not the intention behind it but rather the language which is rooted in judgment and self-blame.
Rather than listen to what the inner critic says about us, we can listen for the need it is trying to point us to.
Identifying the unmet need
When we have acted in a way we wish we had not, we can ask ourselves: which of my needs was not met by how I behaved?
For example, if we spoke to someone in a harsh way and we feel uncomfortable about it later, the underlying need might be a need for respect, for understanding, or for connection. Once we identify that need, we can connect to the emotions that come from not meeting it – not the guilt that comes from self-judgment, but the sadness that comes from caring about that need.
Expressing the mourning
We can then express what we feel to the other person, using the components of compassionate communication: the specific action we did, the emotion that arises in us about it, and the need that was not met.
For example, instead of saying:
“I’m sorry. That was inconsiderate of me.”
we can say something like:
“When I think about the way I spoke to you, I feel sad, because I would like to have been more aware of your needs.”
Notice the difference: there is no image of being a bad person, no self-blame, no implication that we did something “wrong”. There is only an honest expression of sadness about an unmet need.
Sweet pain, not punitive pain
When we have done something not in harmony with our needs, it is natural and even healthy to feel some pain about it. The question is what kind of pain.
- Punitive pain comes from thinking “I’m a bad person”. This thinking makes it hard to learn from the experience, and any change it brings comes at the cost of self-hatred.
- Sweet pain (sometimes called “mourning” in compassionate communication) is the sadness that arises naturally from caring about an unmet need. It lets us learn from what happened without hating ourselves, and it keeps us connected to life.
The willingness to act and sometimes miss the mark, and then to mourn rather than punish ourselves for it, can be described as “sinning courageously”. It is part of taking personal responsibility for our actions in a way that serves life, rather than from a place of guilt and shame.
Checking with the other person
It can be helpful to check with the person we are speaking to: would they rather hear a traditional apology, or our compassionate mourning?
For some people, especially those used to the alienating approach, the standard “I’m sorry” is the form they expect, and hearing something different can be unfamiliar. Other people find the compassionate mourning much more meaningful, because it expresses something real about what is alive in us, rather than a ritual phrase.
Either way, the most important shift is internal: moving from “I did something wrong” to “What I did was not in harmony with my needs, and I mourn that.”