Compassionate Communication uses a few building blocks in various ways:
Psychological Components
Emotions
A central part of compassionate communication is sharing our emotions. Not less important is showing interest in what other people feel (instead of assuming what they feel, or claiming what they feel). See list of emotions.
In compassionate communication, we take ownership of our emotions without blaming others for them. This means we express our emotions without involving another person in them. Hence we don’t say “I feel <emotion> because you did <something> / because of you”. This is because the other person cannot cause our emotions. Perhaps his behavior is a trigger for our emotions, but they are a result of our own mind’s interpretation of the other person’s behavior, and not an inevitable direct result of that behavior. Also: including the other person in the description of our emotions is an opening for manipulation.
Consequently, notice the common mistake of thinking that the following expressions convey our emotions. In fact, they are not expressions of emotions but rather judgmental interpretations of what the other person allegedly did to us:
- I “feel” misunderstood, judged, criticized, accused, belittled
- I “feel” ignored, abandoned, rejected (e.g. sometimes when we are ignored, we actually feel relieved)
- I “feel” manipulated, exploited, threatened, betrayed
It is easy to see that all these are verbs in the passive voice, which implies that someone did something to me. Instead of these expressions, compassionate communication would guides us to realize something like this: The other person did something which I interpreted as if she criticized me / rejected me / exploited me, and this causes me to feel sad / angry / fearful, etc.
Needs
Another central part of compassionate communication is sharing our needs, and finding out what other people need. See list of needs.
We distinguish between needs and ways or “strategies” for trying to meet needs. The needs are universal, meaning all people have them – all people need food, sleep, security, connection, appreciation, influence, meaning, etc. The only difference between people is their own relative strength of the various needs, as well as the specific strategies by which they are trying to fulfill their needs. For example, one person may try to satisfy their need for security by accumulating a lot of money, while another person might try to satisfy the same need by getting married.
As with emotions, when we share our needs, we pay attention to not involve the other person in them. Thus, instead of saying “I have a need for connection with you”, we simply say “I have a need for connection”. Adding “with you” confuses the universal need (for connection) with the specific strategy for meeting the need (with a specific person).
We do not want to communicate the message that the other person is under and obligation to satisfy our needs. It is our own personal responsibility to try to satisfy our needs, and it’s no one else’s responsibility. It is perfectly fine to seek other people who want to help us satisfy our needs, and the world is filled with many people who will be happy to do so. But we must not try to coerce anyone to do so or demand it. We may have a strong preference that a particular person would help us satisfy our needs, but this is still just one strategy out of many, and it is not the need itself. The other person is not obligated to help us satisfy our need, because that person has their own personal sovereignty with their own set of needs and preferences.
Language
Language can be a wonderful tool that can enable connecting between people, but this can happen only if it is used correctly. If used wrongly, it can be alienating and lead to destruction of relationships.
Neutral description of reality
In compassionate communication, we describe reality and situations using neutral descriptions, devoid of interpretations and judgments.
Thus instead of saying “When you blamed me”, I express myself using: “When you said [quote]”. This is because you (the person I’m talking to) may not think that you blamed me, but rather that you were pointing my attention to the facts (as you see them) and was merely educating me. If I use the non-neutral expression “blamed”, I are implying that you are “wrong”. This creates resistance in you and alienates you, thus escalating the conflict.
I also do not use language that assumes what other people feel, think, or intend. E.g. I do not say “you are not listening”, or “you don’t care about me”. This is because I cannot really know what goes on inside of you. Instead, I describe only what goes on inside of me, e.g. “I see [neutral observation] and I feel [name of emotion]”.
We can also show an interest in what goes on inside the other person. We can ask about it (with genuine curiosity, without implying blame) instead of making assumptions about the other person. This demonstrates that we care about the other person.
Accurate description
When we talk to someone, it is important to use accurate descriptions to avoid misunderstandings.
For example, when we want to request someone to do something for us, we need to describe it in specific terms that the other person can understand and perform. What is the specific action we would like them to do which they can execute, such as saying something or putting some object in a certain place. If we only say “I want you to be more considerate” or “Could you please be more organized?”, the other person has no way of knowing what are the specific actions we desire, and hence cannot meet our request. Similarly, when we say “allow me to …”, the other person cannot know what we mean by that.
Positive language
We need to say what we do want the other person to do, and not merely what not to do. For example, if we say “don’t stay at work so late”, intending that the other person would come back home earlier, he may indeed leave work early, but then go somewhere else instead of coming back home.
Facilitation
In addition to the content of the communication mentioned above, there are also points that help us create a smooth communication.
Verify understanding
Oftentimes there are misunderstandings in communication. Sometimes it’s a small technical misunderstanding. At other times, it could be major and significant, e.g. when our request is perceived by the other person as a demand, or when our “no” is perceived as a rejection of the other person. It is therefore vital to make sure that the other person knows our intention. We can request that they repeat what we said to verify that.
It is equally important that we make sure we understood the other person correctly, and we can verify that by repeating what they say according to our understanding. In this way, we also show the other person that we are listening and that we care.
Empathy
When the other person is expressing pain (physical or emotional), the first step is to express empathy to the pain. The other person needs to perceive that they are being seen and understood, before they are able to move on with the communication. The first step is definitely not starting to give advice, before an empathic emotional connection is established, and before we have verified that the other person is open to hearing our advice.