This page explains how using compassionate communication can increase the chances that our needs will be met, by expressing our request in a way that can be well received by others.
- A Specific and Accurate Request
- How to Express a Request
- When Something Is Bothering Us
- Verify Understanding
- How to Receive a Response
- How to Respond to a Request
A Specific and Accurate Request
Our request should be phrased in specific and accurate terms so that the other person can understand exactly what we would like them to do. And we should say what we want, not only what we don’t want. More in the section “Language”.
How to Express a Request
When we want someone to do something for us, we can use the components of compassionate communication:
- Stating a specific and accurate request that the other person can understand and actually perform.
- Sharing which of our needs we want to satisfy through this request.
- Sharing which pleasant emotions we expect to experience if this request is accepted and carried out.
For example: “(Request:) Would you be willing to wash the dishes? (Need:) I like it when the kitchen is clean and organized. (Emotion:) It makes me feel comfortable and relaxed.”
Of course, we could simply state the request by itself. But if we also share our needs and emotions, this increases the chances that the other person will agree to our request. They can understand our request more deeply, because they can connect to our universal needs and emotions.
When Something Is Bothering Us
When the other person did something which was a trigger to our emotional pain, how can we express ourselves in a useful manner?
- Neutral description of the specific action that the other person did.
- Our unpleasant emotions that arose after this act.
- Explanation of these emotions: mentioning which of our needs were not met due to this act.
- A specific and accurate request that the other person can understand and do.
For example: “(Event:) When you did not answer the phone last night, (Emotion:) I felt sadness, (Need:) because I wanted to have a connection. (Request:) I would like to ask, if that’s ok with you, that when I call you and you cannot answer, you will send me a text message about it.”
As explained on the page about the components of compassionate communication, we leave the other person outside of the description of our emotions and needs.
Verify Understanding
As explained in the section “Facilitation”, it is important to verify that the other person understood our intention, and heard that we are expressing emotions, needs, and requests rather than implied blaming, criticism, demands, or coersion.
Even when we have a sincere intention of posing a request, the other person may be suspicious, mistrust us, and hear a demand. This may occur because she is used to the prevalent coercion in the world. If the other person misunderstands our request as a demand, we will all pay an unpleasant price. Especially if she goes ahead and does what we ask, and consequently develops resentment against us, which will later harm both of us. We can verify understanding using a statement such as this:
“I want you to understand that I am making a request rather than a demand. You do not have to agree. I want you to accept my request only if you can do it joyfully and willingly, because it suits you and satisfies your own needs. Please do not do it for bad reasons such as fear of punishment, or hoping for a reward or for my love, or out of guild, shame, duty, or obligation.”
Of course, we do not need to add this verbose disclaimer every time, but it is good to ask ourselves whether we feel sure that the other person understood our intention.
Another tool we have is to ask something like this: “Could you please tell me how I could express what I said in a way that you will hear a request rather than a demand?”
How to Receive a Response
How to receive an agreement
When we make a request and the other person agrees to our request, and furthermore we are certain that the other person really wants to do what we requested, for a good reason and not because of a harmful one, then we can express gratitude in a way that makes us closer, as explained here.
When we are not certain that the other person agrees to our request for good reasons – it’s better not to go along with it, but instead stop and find out.
You probably have heard the statement “No means No”, indicating that if someone says ‘No’, their answer should be respected. However, note that a response of “maybe” also means “no”, or more precisely: “I’m not completely sure and at ease with what you request, but maybe some components of it are suitable for me”. A “maybe” may also be expressed in other ways such as “ummm…. ok” that sounds uncertain with hesitation, or “I don’t mind” lacking excitement. Understand that we don’t want anyone to do us any favors. We want people to do what we ask them only if they really want to do it enthusiastically.
We can suggest that the other person take some more time to listen to himself/herself to find our if he/she really wants to do it or not, or maybe there is something small that is bothering them that should be resolved before going ahead with it.
We can also ask what needs of the other person would be satisfied by agreeing to our request, to make sure that these needs will indeed be met.
Following these guidelines sets a higher standard than mere “consent”. It raises the bar, aspiring to receive an enthusiastic response of “hell yes!” rather than just agreement which may not be in alignment with the other person’s needs and desires.
How to receive a disagreement
When the other person does not agree to our request – this presents an important test for us: Did we pose a sincere request? Or did we actually pose a hidden demand? If anger or frustration arises within us, that may mean we do not really accept the possibility of refusal to our request. This indicates that our request was in fact a demand, even if we said “please” and expressed it with a smile.
The way to deal with these emotions is to remind ourselves that the other person is a sovereign entity, and she never owes us anything and is never under any obligation to do anything we want, even when we really want it.
We can also remember that when the other person does not agree to our request, if we see it as a rejection, this is merely a harmful interpretation generated by the inner critic, which creates unnecessary emotional pain for us. We can understand that the reason why the other person does not agree is that he has needs that prevent him from saying “yes”, and so we don’t have to take it personally as something against us. We can also remember that even if we have a preference that this person would help us meet our needs, we are not dependent on that person, because there are many other people in the world, and some of them would gladly and willingly help us satisfy these needs.
If the refusal to our request is expressed in an alienating way, it can be particularly painful for us. First, our needs are not being immediately met, which may cause unpleasant emotions. Second, the courage that we had to summon in order to expose our vulnerability by making the request is not being seen by the other person, and instead, we may be attacked in some way. Still, we can alleviate our pain by remembering to have empathy for ourselves as well as for the other person, hearing the needs behind his refusal.
When we understand the approach of compassionate communication, we can see that it’s actually a good thing that the other person said they do not want to accept our request. That’s because by doing so he is protecting both of us: if he agreed to our request despite not really wanting to do it, then he would develop resentment against us, and both of us would eventually pay the price for it. Even if the other person expressed her refusal in an alienating way, that’s still better than not expressing her refusal at all and reluctantly or grudgingly going along with our request.
Bearing in mind this last point, we can even express gratitude to the other person for expressing their refusal by saying something like “thank you for protecting yourself”. In this way, we show that we respect their personal sovereignty and their wishes.
A “no” is not necessarily the end of the conversation. We can try to find out which needs of the other person prevent her from agreeing to our request, in order to see whether we can both come up with another creative strategy that would allow both of us to satisfy our needs.
If emotions such as anger or frustration arise within us, it is our own personal responsibility to take care of it. We can process these emotions with ourselves, or with the help of friends or a therapist. We do not necessarily have to do it with the person who disagreed to our request – remember that he has no obligation to help us handle our emotions. We can of course share our emotions, but only if we do so not as a manipulation tactic to try to infuse shame and guilt in the other person in an attempt to make him do what we want. We can clarify that we are aware of our responsibly for our emotions, and that the other person did not cause them.
How to Respond to a Request
When someone requests something of us, sometimes it’s better if we do not immediately agree, even if a part of us wants to agree. This is because sometimes we act automatically without being fully aware of all our inner voices, some of which may have some hesitations or concerns about agreeing. We can remind ourselves that we can take a few moments to listen to ourselves, to our emotions and needs, to ponder the request, and find out whether it is really right for us to agree. Ideally, we should feel a clear and enthusiastic “yes” from all our parts (the mind, the heart, our emotions, our needs, our body, our spirit, etc.) or at least from most of them.
When a request is presented to us in the form of compassionate communication, we have the liberty to agree to the request only if doing so satisfies our own needs. When that is the case, we can express gratitude for the request, for the opportunity to do it, thus satisfying not only the other person’s needs but also our own. It makes everyone’s life more wonderful.
If we find out that we don’t have an enthusiastic agreement to the request, we can take the time to find out what is bothering us, i.e. which of our needs are not going to be met by agreeing to the request. Then we can explain to the other person about these needs, so that he understands the reason for our refusal. This lowers the chances that she will view our response as a painful rejection, and increases the chance that together we can think about alternatives that will satisfy the needs of both of us.
Therefore, it’s better not to express our refusal in an alienating way, such as:
- A sharp refusal such as “no” or “I don’t want to”. This reduces the chance of connection, as it may be interpreted as a rejection or as a final answer that lacks care and empathy, which may lead to emotional pain. It is not in our best interest for that to happen.
- Making excuses such as: “I can’t”, “I don’t have time”, “It is not possible”. These expressions show that we are not taking personal responsibility for our answer, we are trying to evade and shift the reason (because we do not own our emotional discomfort), and the other person can sense that this is not the truth. This leads to alienation.