Each of us has many voices inside of us. One of them is a voice that alienates us from others and harms our communication. This is the judgmental, coercive, manipulative, violent voice.
This alienating voice is tragic in the sense that it reduces the chances that our needs and the needs of others will be met, and it leads to verbal and possibly even physical violence. So it is important to understand and identify its characteristics, so that we can refrain from identifying with it, and so that we can use compassionate communication instead.
(Moralistic) Judgments
Examples:
- “What you did now is very bad.”
- “You are irresponsible.”
- “Idiot!”
- “You are wrong and I am right.”
- “He is saying insulting things.”
- “He is talking too much.” (As if there is a “right amount” of talking, and you know what it is.)
- “You never do it like it is supposed to be done.”
These judgments can be about others, but our mind can also pass such judgments about ourselves – the “inner critic / educator”.
Such judgments lead to problems and violence, because if we think that the other person is wrong, then:
- We think we need to educate her to change her ways. The problem is: she does not think she is wrong. So our judgment leads her to resistance, to fighting, to wars.
- We think we need to punish him, because he deserves to suffer for what he’s done. We think he needs to be “taught a lesson”. This leads to violence.
- We think we need to make her hate herself, to feel ashamed and guilty. But this may lead her to see herself as a “bad” person, so she will continue doing things that a “bad” person does.
- We think there are some things that people “deserve”. Either they “deserve” to get a reward or they “deserve” to get a punishment. This is the violent way of educating people.
- If the other person also thinks and acts out of the judgmental perspective, then he has only two choices: either surrender and act under coercion, or rebel and fight the coercion. In both options, both sides lose and pay a heavy price.
Diagnosing the Other Person
Diagnosing the other person’s emotions and motives, as if we really know what they are. Examples:
- “He refuses to do what I ask of him.” This is a diagnosis. This statement does not describe the other person’s behavior using neutral language that allows us to understand what he actually does. Compare with: “He says he does not want to do it” – this is a neutral observation.
- “She blames me.” Again, this is a diagnosis and does not describe what factually happens. The “blamer” may not think she is blaming but rather that she is educating and pointing our attention to the facts.
- “He always wants to be the center of attention.”
- “She is angry.”
- “You are not listening to me.”
- “You don’t care about me, because if you really loved me, you would willingly do what I ask of you.”
Renouncing Personal Responsibility
Giving excuses that claim I do not have free choice. For example:
- “I had to do it”
- “I did not have a choice”
- “I was just following orders”
- “It is company policy”
- “Now look what you made me do!”.
This way of thinking is in contradiction with taking personal responsibility for our choices and actions.
Another form of renouncing responsibility not owning our emotions, and blaming other people for creating our emotions. E.g.: “It hurts me when you do that”. While the other person’s behavior may have been a trigger for our painful emotions, our emotions emanate from our needs which are not being met, or from harmful interpretations generated by our mind, and not directly caused by the other person. Telling other people that they are causing me painful emotions is a form of psychological manipulation. It may lead them to feel shame and guilt, and to believe that they must do what I want of them.
Coercion
Examples:
- “I am supposed to behave in this way”
- “I must prepare dinner”
- “You have to listen to me”
- “You have a duty to serve your country”
- Threats, such as: “You do as I tell you, or else you’ll get punished!”
A common source of confusion is to believe that some authority knows best what is right and what is wrong for you, or that you have an obligation to obey authority without questioning it. E.g. Party discipline – you must vote according to how your party’s head says, and not according to your own understanding and conscience.
All these are psychological manipulations, trying to cause people to do things that go against their own needs and desires, using reproaching, blaming, ridiculing, threatening, and other ways. Read more about respecting personal sovereignty.
Agreeing Out of Harmful Motives
Agreeing to someone’s request even though it goes against our own wishes and needs because of harmful motives such as:
- Placation – to be perceived as “nice and considerate”
- To get a reward
- To be loved by others
- Fear of punishment, such as criticism or violence
- Fear of emotional drama of the other person if we refuse their request
- Shame or guilt for not doing what we’re told, or if we express our authentic wish
- Duty and commitment, rather than an authentic desire and choice
- Self criticism from our “inner critic”. E.g. “I am egotistic if I do not agree to her request.”
Thinking that the World Is Supposed to Be Like We Think
Examples:
- “People should behave more politely.”
- “The decent thing would have been to let me know in advance.”
Viewing Interactions as a Battle
- Thinking that I have to prove that I am right, instead of reaching mutual understanding and a solution that would satisfy everyone’s needs, win-win.
- Thinking that the only possible outcomes are:
- Victory, when I win and the other side loses
- Losing, defeat, surrendering, giving up
- A compromise, where both sides are unsatisfied