Each one of us has tremendous power in turning our own lives and the lives of others to be more wonderful through the words we use, if we know how to do it in a way that is connected to life and charges people with positive energy. This page explains how gratitude is expressed and received in compassionate communication.
Expressing gratitude
How to do it
When someone does something which improves our life, how can we express thanks in a meaningful way? We can do so by using the components of compassionate communication:
- Accurate description of the specific action that the other person did
- Our emotions that arose after this act
- Which of our needs were met thanks to this act.
For example: “When you told me that …, I felt joy and relief, because what you said met my needs for safety and clarity.”
How not to do it
In compassionate communication, we do not use judgmental language, even if it is positive judgment, such as “you are a kind person”. Such a statement conveys zero information. It does not explain what the other person did, how it made us feel, and which needs it satisfied. Worse, as it is still a judgmental statement, it judgmentally implies that there are people who are unkind. The person we are currently thanking may also fear (perhaps unconsciously) that at a later time we will continue with our judgmental attitude and label him “unkind” if he does something which is not to our liking. It gets us stuck in the alienating approach.
It is also not recommended to express thanks by using a reward, such as a physical present, or by saying things like “Well done!”, “You did a go job!”. This sounds like a reward, and reward is the other side of punishment. It feels like training an animal to behave in desired ways by using rewards and punishments. This is not a suitable way for communicating with humans, as it de-humanizes them. It destroys the beauty and power of gratitude, because people may suspect that the rewards is given as a manipulation, as part of an attempt to train them to continue behaving in a way that we want them to. They start wondering whether the reward is given out of sincere gratitude, or as a manipulation.
There is also a common misconception that compliments and praises build self confidence. Well, if someone needs external praises to feel good about himself, that means he has no self confidence but only an addiction to external rewards. This is not the way to build self esteem, which can be built only through treating oneself with love. So the useful way would be to express unconditional love, which is not dependent on someone’s performance, and also to help them (if needed, and if they want it) to develop their self love and self esteem.
Receiving Gratitude
How to do it
If someone thanks us for something we did, but they express their gratitude using the alienating approach (as mentioned above under “How not to do it”), we can help both of us connect more closely. We can ask them:
- What exactly did I do that you liked?
- How did you feel after that?
- Which of your needs did it satisfy?
When gratitude to us is expressed in this way, we can reply by sharing:
- What emotions are invoked in us when we hear this gratitude (e.g. joy), and which of our needs is being met by hearing this gratitude (e.g. a need for connection)
- What emotions we felt when we did the thing which evoked the gratitude, and our motivation for doing it – which of our needs was met by the doing.
How not to do it
It is an error to dismiss the significance of we did that led to the gratitude, as in “ah, well, that’s nothing”. This belittles the value of what we did – making someone’s life more wonderful. And this also causes the person who thanks us to interpret our reply as dismissing what she is saying and as rejecting the gift of gratitude she wants to give us. This destroys the celebration.
It is not compassionate to think: “I do not deserve this gratitude”. This is our inner critic talking based on the alienating approach that thinks people “deserve” rewards and punishments.
It is an error that in order to be humble, to implement humility, I need to reply to a gratitude with something like “ah, it’s nothing”. Replying in this way is in face a false modesty – to see our own value as below what it really is. This is how we’ve been “educated” – to hide our light, or to pretend we are modest. Healthy humility means recognizing and acknowledging our positive value (while not exaggerating our value by bragging or arrogance).